I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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