i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Randomize
