So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
