Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
