Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
