The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
