So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
