So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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