I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
