you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
