I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Floor bacon is actually really good
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize