I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
