so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
