I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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