You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
No stitches, just platelets and will power
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
