i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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