god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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