Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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