that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
