Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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