Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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