Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
