Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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