god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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