return my video game
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You should frame my arrest warrant.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
