If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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