I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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