someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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