My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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