Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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