The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize