So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
