Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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