Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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