I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize