I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
