You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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