Please, let me fuck your mom
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
