it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
