Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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