Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
