I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
