dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
