eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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