she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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