Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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