Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I supernannyed him into submission
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
