Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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