The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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