Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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