Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
