dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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