gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize