no, he came in my armpit
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
