Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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