You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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